A Heart’s Cry.
It’s hard to pick yourself up after you fall. It’s so much easier to stay down, hide away and remove yourself from whatever situation knocked you down in the first place. Maybe you put on a “happy face” or act like everything is “just ok” but inside you are truly hurting and uncertain. So maybe it isn’t easier to stay down and hide? Maybe it’s easier to dust yourself off, get up and keep trying? I’m not sure. I do know that prayer plays a big role and God always has something incredible in store.
For the past 15 years we have been a part of the military and as a new military wife the life seemed exciting and fun meeting new people every few years. And it was! As a young married couple with a new baby living in a teeny town in Texas it was so fun to have get-togethers, go to events and participate in the military lifestyle. That carefreeness has been replaced with having to grow up, kids activities, responsibilities and the desire to do more than just follow your spouse around from base to base. At some point you feel there has to be more and you crave that sense of belonging and sense of home. When people ask where I’m from it takes me a second. It used to be easy. “I’m from Oklahoma,” I would say. Now I have to think about it because I’m not sure. It’s been so long since I lived IN Oklahoma that I guess I would say I’m from there…..but that’s not home anymore. Trying to make a new place home and find my place has been difficult. “Will I be accepted? Will there be room for me to plug in? Will my kids be able to participate in their sports?” All are common questions that run through my mind. Usually we jump into a church first, for the kids and for me since I love to sing and GOD ALWAYS PROVIDES!!! Why do I question that? My family is together, we are healthy and that’s all that matters….but I’m a woman….and I’m silly…..and I need to remember that as long as we are together we are OK!
I used to think it was easy to be IN the military and move because you’re assigned a new unit and have to jump in to fill the spot to which you’ve been assigned. But I’ve learned that that’s not true at all. Personalities, leadership styles, etc. all play a huge role and again, you have to do your best to fit in.
So as we’ve grown up in the military it’s becoming more and more evident that we are ready to settle down. We want to find our place, and we want the kids to have their place and make a home for them. We want them to have the four years of high school that we had growing up and be able to participate and make memories with friends. We marvel at our children who “seem” to jump in and make friends, but it’s not easy for them either. They are resilient, strong and incredible and they teach me so much. Watching them interact and gain acceptance makes me SO happy.
It’s funny. I never thought that I would be someone who would stay home and work. I always thought that I would have to find a job outside of the home, staying busy, running around because I thought I enjoyed being in the mix of everything. But over the past couple of years I’ve realized that I needed to find myself after so many years of doing what the military needed me to do (coffees, trainings, spouses events, dinners, recognition events, etc., etc.) it was time for me to find ME. So, a few years ago I did something that was completely crazy, and out of “character” for me but what I felt I was called to do. I’ve found my place and my passion helping others and combining my love of fitness with the desire to meet people and help them. I like that I can keep the two separate and have a life where I’m baseball mom, track mom, soccer mom and then have my thing when the kids and hubby are out of the house. Win Win. God has taken my talents and allowed me to use them on a greater scale than I could have ever imagined, doing things outside of my little bubble. I’ve been called to do things outside of my comfort zone and to grow.
I finally feel like I’m finding me, but at the same time I’m finding I ned to learn balance. I’m an all or nothing kind of person and it’s taking me time and reflection to find my “happy place” where I’m not 100% to the left or the right. I might be a slower learner than some, and I might jump in and do the thing before reading the instructions but I figure it out in my own time. I guess this post is about grace, about faith, and about believing that even though I don’t see it or feel it yet, that there is a place for me here, in this new place we call home. It might take longer than other places to feel “right” but perhaps because it’s taken me longer here it’ll mean more. Perhaps it will never feel “right” because I have a calling outside of this geographical location on a larger scale. Who knows. What I do know is that I’m learning to be more present, more invested in the things that TRULY matter with my family. Making memories, being spontaneous and allowing the cell phone to die when I’m out with my daughter. It’s ok to be lost for a while 🙂
This life I’ve been given is a huge blessing. I take nothing for granted and it’s good to be broken and brought to my knees every once in a while so that I can look up and reevaluate, where I am and where I want to be and where God wants me to be. Because I know He’s put us here for a reason.
Maybe this post makes no sense to you and maybe it screams loud and clear and speaks to you. Either way, it was on my heart to share. It’s funny, as I write I find more peace, joy and just pouring this out allows me to experience and see a whole new perspective and to really examine my TRUE feelings and not the spontaneous emotional crazy with which my day began.